Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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