we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
