I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
