Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We are all done wearing pants today
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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