Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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