What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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