you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
