Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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