Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
