Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
