like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
