Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
