So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
