Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
