I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
