Please, let me fuck your mom
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
