I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
