my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
