I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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