My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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