Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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