I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
