I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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