we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
her facebook's as public as her vagina
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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