If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Randomize
