At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
