She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
