the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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