Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
