Tell her she can't have a vagina
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
