If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
We smell like vodka and hangover
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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