maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
