Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
