I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
