do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
