The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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