I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she told me i tasted like america
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
