as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
