is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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