I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
