I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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