My liver just broke up with me...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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