i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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