I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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