During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
