i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
