i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
