you're like a bully in the Christmas story
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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