I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
