Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
