omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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